Rekindling the Flame
As boomers grow older, history shared between
longtime partners becomes more valuable. But keeping love alive can be challenging.
"A long-standing intimate shared history cannot be replaced," says Albuquerque, N.M.-based, marriage and relationship counselor Nancy Romero.
Romero, a boomer, says that valuing deep connections, whether in marriage or friendship, is part of an almost universal
midlife search for meaning in life.
"Boomers are more reflective about what has spiritual and deeper meaning in our lives. Our relationships are right up there. We treasure them," she says. "Most of us have learned how to have a house and a car and a job, but the critical work now is to find what adds meaning to our lives. The connection with others is something we are ready to value."
Romero, who has been practicing more than 20 years and heads Accelerated Family Counseling, explains that many couples in long-term relationships often love each other and are committed to each other, but fall short of having the rewards they could find together because of lingering resentments.
"When couples come to see me they usually have some accumulation of anger," she says. "My job is to hold the hope for the relationship until they find the hope again for themselves. I hold a deposit of hope while they work through the wall of anger with the other partner and find what's underneath. There is often so much love underneath, once they get past their big issues."
A Deeper Level Romero is a certified Imago therapist, a style that draws on the popular work of Harville Hendrix, a psychology professor and author of "Getting the Love You Want." In couples therapy and workshops, she teaches communication, connection and resolution skills that support relationships and help couples connect on a deeper level.
Couples learn to really listen to each other's needs, concerns and desires without escalating to anger, she says. Ambushing your partner with an issue you have been stewing about all day isn't conducive to keeping the peace and nurturing the love.
"Schedule time for arguments. Tell your partner you have an issue and you need to talk about it. Set a time within the next 24 hours to talk about it. If someone blows up, you need to get apart for at least 30 minutes, but then come back and discuss it or find a time to talk about it again when tempers have cooled off."
Hendrix writes on his Web site,
harvillehendrix.org, that conflict is a natural part of relationships. "Conflict is supposed to happen. Conflict is a sign that the psyche is trying to survive, to get its needs met and become whole. It's only without this knowledge that conflict is destructive.
"Divorce does not solve the problems of a relationship. We may get rid of our partners, but we keep our problems, carting them off to the next relationship."
Romero says most baby boomers understand that, in general, men and women have different relationship needs and abilities.
"Both partners need confidants outside the relationship to talk about issues. Women, in general, need to process feelings more than men do," she says. "Men just don't process feelings as much. Men definitely need to learn a supportive way to be patient and listen. But women need to learn to turn to their friends to process their feelings or they can overwhelm a man with their emotional needs."
Researchers at the University of Washington who study couples in an apartment laboratory dubbed "The Love Lab" and who follow the relationships over time have found that four behaviors -- complaining, stonewalling, defensiveness and contempt for the other -- doom marriages and other partnerships.
Old Resentments Researcher John Gottman, head of the Gottman Institute, says he can predict with about 90 percent accuracy which marriages will fail and which will succeed by the prevalence of those behaviors, according to the University of Washington Web site,
washington.edu.
In a news release, Gottman describes what happens to couples in midlife who are exhausted from conflict.
"These couples are alienated and avoidant. They are people you see in a restaurant who are not talking to each other. They raised kids together, but there is not much going on with each other and they realize their marriage is empty," he says. "These couples stifle things and do not raise issues with their partner. Their marriages are a suppression of negative emotion and a lack of positive emotion. It is a very passive and distant relationship with no laughing, love or interest in each other. This style of suppression can cause intense loneliness that's almost like dying."
Ending the relationship may seem inevitable, but even these kinds of partnerships can "have a renaissance," he says. "A therapist can work with failed dreams, individually and as a couple, to rebuild the relationship."
Finding the fun and the connection again helps rebuild the relationship.
Romero suggests a weekly date night with a twist. Partners alternate planning and surprise the other. That includes arranging child or elder care, she says.
"The other's job is to go along and enjoy whatever it is. No complaining," she says. Couples often get locked into roles of giver and receiver and the date night role switching helps them practice the other part, she says. "People forget to put energy into their relationship. Romance needs renewing."
Separate, enjoyable activities are also crucial, she says. "You have to have a life separate from your partner, so you have something to share when you come back together," she says.
Tom Bien, an Albuquerque psychologist, meditation teacher and author, says dating your spouse when you are resentful toward him or her, might not feel so good.
"Start and maintain a positive cycle of interactions. People can be afraid to give to the other as a kind of giving in to them. Instead, think of it as giving to the relationship. Remember to do special things regularly, even daily, for happiness in your relationship. Giving to the relationship is the basis for getting from it."
Honoring the differences that men and women experience during lovemaking makes it more enjoyable for both partners, Bien says. "Most women do need a romantic evening to get ready for sex. Men do well to enjoy this as long 'foreplay.'"
Bien advocates couples find a cause or experience larger than the relationship to share. "Maybe this is your religious faith or spirituality. Maybe this is a goal you have in common or common activities you love, like golf or dancing."
How to Reconnect Researcher John Gottman offers these tips for putting the zing back in your marriage:
Seek help early.
Edit yourself from blurting out critical and hurtful comments.
Bring up problems gently.
Arguments escalate when a critical comment is expressed with contempt.
Allow the other to influence your behavior.
Learn to repair and exit an argument.
Back down. In marriage, as in martial art, yielding is often necessary to win.
Focus on the bright side.
